What Next

When I was a boy
At the Catholic school
I served the Mass
It was in Latin back then
And I loved the sound of the words
I knew what they meant
And I followed the sacrament
From dough to deity
From water and wine to blood
And I felt a part of something precious
In me
In everything
Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve
Sacrifice at Lent
Joy at Easter
I was given First Communion
I was Confirmed
I followed the Stations of the Cross
And wept at His pain
And
I believed
I confessed
I did penance
I was reborn
Again
And
Again

I walked the miles in winter
Through the snow
In the dark hours of early morning
To the convent
Where the nuns were cloistered
Where they baked the hosts
Where the old priest passed communion
Through the darkened screen
To the unseen holy faces
There was hot chocolate left by the door
I sang in the choir
And it was wonderful
Like angels in heaven
I was told the stories of all the saints
How they died dreadfully
I learned of all the good things that they did
I learned of their humility
I learned of their courage
I wanted their faith
I wanted their hope
I wanted His love
The priests would come to the classroom sometimes
And invite questions
I wanted to learn
So I read the testaments
Old and new
And came ready with questions
But the answers always came down to one thing
It is a mystery
And my questions beat themselves against the wall
And I was told to
Have faith

I grew older
And tired of ceremony and ritual
I saw past the language
Past the robes
Past the incense
Past the building
I saw the holy people
As
Just people
And they disappointed me
I saw the holy people
And their congregations
And I knew then
That I finally understood
Who had really died on that cross
And
Who had killed him
My faith was nailed to the cross
And no resurrection in sight
Much later
I saw their faith with my own eyes
I couldn’t blame them
The whole world wants
Something to believe in
I spent years mourning my lack of faith
And then celebrating the same thing
I opened my eyes and mind
To other beliefs
Buddhism
Hinduism
Atheism
Islam
All I found was people
Wanting to believe
And destined to never understand
Socrates once said that
The beginning of wisdom
Is knowing that
You know nothing
Well that’s me in a nutshell
I am not saying that there is no truth
No morality
No hope
All I am saying is that
Ceremony
Ritual
And a funny hat
Doesn’t make a person
Worth following
Most of the beliefs that people hold
Were set out centuries ago
By people who knew little of the real world
Even now we are still learning
And we have measured the universe
From the sub-atomic
To the celestial
And it is all
Finite
Shakespeare
Whoever he was
Referred to death
As the undiscovered country
From whose borne
No traveller returns
If death is endless sleep
Or nirvana or heaven comes next
Or cruel judgement
I don’t know
And
I don’t care
This is the life
This is the gift
This is the time
I will miss knowing what happens next
I feel sorry for all the souls
Who died before
They found out who shot JR
All life is finite
All light becomes darkness
Big Bang
To
Big Crunch
And perhaps
Big Bang
Again and again
Who knows?
When my darkness comes
I will be ready
When all memory of me fades
(and it won’t take long)
the world and the universe that contains it
will go on
for a time
then
who knows?
Not me
I’ll let others worry the matter
Ad infinitum
Or at least until
It all goes cold
And
Dark

I understand why people
Need mystery
Why they see ghosts
Why they see angels
Weeping Madonna’s
Why they need a spirit world
Why they want that mansion in the sky
Why they kill and die for Allah
Why the Crusades happened
True believers can justify anything
I understand
Why people do good deeds
And Jesus was right
Charity is the greatest virtue
John Lennon was right too
All you need is love
Samuel Clemens once said
I have seen the world
And it hates each other
We have followed our creeds
And murdered millions
Well
I will not follow
Even though
It is a mystery
I know that I don’t know
And that’s enough for me
Besides
I am not afraid of the dark

The parable of the Prodigal Son
Isn’t about sin
Or redemption
It isn’t about forgiveness either
It’s just about
The pain that comes to all of us in this life
And the love
That is our comfort and salvation
There is no mystery in that
Not for me
And although I am alone
I know that I am
Somehow
Saved by love
And I will carry that thought with me
Into the darkness
Whatever
Comes
Next