The Appointment

The nurse informed me
As they were releasing me
From the hospital
After my hernia operation
That there was a little problem
With my blood counts
And that they had arranged
For me to see a specialist
In order to sort it out
I have never learned to eat right
It’s probably anaemia
Or something like that
She made no comment
But told me to keep the appointment
I promised I would
I was sore from the operation
Gutted and stuck back together
Bandaged and bewildered
I went home in a taxi

I arrived back at the same place
A few days later
Still sore and bandaged
And the specialist was waiting
He told me that my white count
Was far too high
I again mentioned anaemia
He made no comment
But told me he needed a marrow sample
This was all new to me
But I said
Help yourself
He did just that
He told me to take off my shirt
And lie on the table
As I did so I watched him
Put together a needle
Long and made of steel
He came over to the table
And then he said that
He was going to inject something kill the pain
He did so
In the middle of my chest bone
It hurt
And then he asked me about myself
I began the story

After a few minutes he tapped my chest
And said that now
He was going to collect the sample
He took a bigger needle
And got it ready
Told me to close my eyes and lie still
Before I closed my eyes I noticed
That he was holding the needle
In a different way
Like a maniac holds a knife
I closed my eyes
And he punched down into my chest bone
The pain was indescribable
Then I felt him draw the plunger up
And it felt like my soul
Was being dragged from me
I felt the marrow being drawn
And the pain was
The pain of losing something precious
He was quick
Thank god

He explained to me that
You can’t anaesthetise bone
When it was over
He put a little plaster over the spot
It was a sad and inadequate reminder
Of the pain
Like a plain wooden cross
On a battlefield
That is supposed to remind us
Somehow
Of what was suffered
And who was lost
Again I mentioned anaemia
Iron deficiency
He knew I was fishing
So he told me outright
He thought I had leukaemia
But we would have to wait
To know for sure
He told me that I was probably in shock
But I wasn’t
Shit happens
Dying is natural
And it doesn’t frighten me
I was glad though
In that moment
That I had no one at home
To break the news to
That would be a pain
Too dreadful to contemplate
And too sad
Even for me